There’s something special about shy dogs. My dog, Violet, was timid from the start, and has remained wary of strangers throughout her life. She doesn’t run up to strangers, or pull my arm out of its socket trying to get to another dog she sees on the street. She doesn’t much like new sounds or new places, either, (although she is always happy to try new foods). She’s only happy around the people and animals she knows well, and only fully relaxed in her own home with her own pack.

This is probably why I love her so much. Not only is she the one of the sweetest and silliest souls that ever lived, but I’m one of the few privileged people who get to experience it. The ZZ Top-like grunts she makes when her ears are rubbed, the cork-screw snout rubs she makes in the blankets when she wants to cuddle, or the mountain goat leaps she makes in the back yard when she wants to play—only my boyfriend and I get to see these things. Her trust is so hard to earn that her love is rare, and because of this she is all the more precious to us.

Shy dogs aren’t always the easiest pets, but most are well worth it. They require a different set of skills and attitudes than their more gregarious relatives. While a lot of dogs will come to you if you ask them to in a friendly voice, a shy dog might turn away from such an invitation, or try to escape you—even after you’ve known them for a while. They may startle easily, especially when you present them with anything they haven’t seen, heard or smelled before. Perhaps worst of all, they can be distrustful of all the things you can offer them that could make their lives better. Even with patience and time, they may remain wary of the things you want to teach them, and it’s easy to become frustrated.

Don’t.

There’s a trick for working with most shy dogs that you may not know about, and it isn’t patience or time. It isn’t gentle gestures, or low, soothing tones either, although all these things help. No, the trick to training many shy dogs is to take your focus off the dog and put it onto what you want the dog to do.

If you want to make friends with a shy dog, don’t invade her space. Instead, create a nice little space a few feet away from the dog where she can see and hear you, and then let the dog come over and join you there when she is ready. Don’t look too much at the dog in the distance, or invite her to join you with too many words and hand gestures. Instead, focus on where you are. Feel the floor you’re sitting on with your hand, look at the tiny bit of grit caught in your shoe, sniff the wall you’re leaning into. With the attention taken off herself, the shy dog may soon want to know what’s so interesting over by where you’re sitting, and will want to examine it too; then the two of you can explore the space together.

If you want to introduce new objects to a shy dog, like toys, leashes or nail clippers, show interest in them yourself. Don’t offer the objects to the dog at first, but instead, play with them like they’re the nicest, most wonderful objects in the world. “I just love this new collar,” you might say to yourself as you try it on your own neck. “Whoever gets to wear it must be the luckiest creature in the world.”

Likewise, to get a shy dog to come when you call, focus more on where you are, not where the dog is. To get her comfortable on a leash, walk where you want to go and let the dog follow along. To train a retrieve, think about how great it would be to have that tennis ball in your mouth.

Dogs are pack animals, and shy dogs are keenly aware of this in everything they do. These dogs have no desire to be leaders; they want to do what everyone else is doing, to follow along. They don’t enjoy being singled out; they like blending in. Give them clear, loving signals of what the pack wants (even if that pack consists of only you), and most shy dogs will likely join in quickly and willingly. Soon you’ll have a dog that knows just as many behaviors as her more outgoing friends, but who also shares with you a profound sense of gratitude and peace of mind in your company. Shy dogs feel a sense of belonging like no other creatures on earth.

[Please note: not all of these methods will not work for every shy dog. Some dogs have experienced trauma, and will never want to participate in certain groups or activities. Others are wary of people or places because they are sick or in pain. These training tools are just a starting point to help determine if your dog is simply timid, or if something more serious may be going on. If they do not work for your dog, try others until you find methods that do. You may also want to seek the help of a professional behaviorist or trainer.]